ENGLISH JOKES! hell man this is so funny!!

Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ: What do you take
me for?! Granted?

Guard, answering the telephone: Hello?… Ah yes,
for a while. Please
hang yourself.

Starlet in an interview: If the odds are against me,
then I will against them.

Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mother's
burial:
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

Army officer to cadet: "Do you know why I ask you
to stand?" "No, sir."
"Ok, why?" (anlabo!)

Teacher to students: Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko
kayo sa covered courts.

Teacher: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes.
Class: What?! Teacher!
Teacher: What's wrong? It's a beautiful film
starring Bros Welles!
(Bruce Willis)
Class: Aah, Sixth Sense!

Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper
lang eh.

A reporter interviews a politician about the
Philippine economy.
Politician says: Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin
ngayon. Pero slow by
slow, we will success.

Teacher: Sorry, class. I'm late. My mother died
three years ago. And
now she's dead. (Ano daw?!)

Heard in a fastfood chain:
Yaya: Ma'm, gusto po ni Mark ng KIDNEY MEAL!

Teacher: What is ur name?
Student: Dell.
Teacher: What is ur old?

In a restaurant:
Waiter: Sir, How do you want your egg?
Customer: Side in, side out. (sunny side up)

Mom interviews her daughter's suitor:
Mom: What's your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh… Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)

Guy to Girl: I love you. This is not a ball. ("Hindi ito
bola" in English)

Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight
circles and find your
height alphabetically! (ayos!)

Teacher to students: Okay class, it's time to go
home. Form a line and
pass out slowly.

Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your
father and your
mother, especially your parents, understood?!
Bring them tomorrow in
front of me, right here, right now! (anlabo ni Mam)

Emcee, in a party: The next song is the favorite
song of my best
friend, and neither do I!

Posted in an establishment: None ID, nothing entry.

Teacher: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
Student: Miss may "s" yon…
Teacher: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!

Mare 1: Mare, ang galing ng anak ko galing Menila,
ang kurso, NAR.
Mare 2: Ah tlga? Ang galing naman pala.
Anak: Nay, me "s" po yun.
Mare 1: Ay Mare, Mare, mali, NAR-ES pala ang
kurso..

Two lousy-in-english friends talking to each other:
Friend 1: Am I raining outside?
Friend 2: Not yet. Sprinkle only.

In an awards night, presentor goes: And the
winner for Best Comedy
Show is Okay Ka, Pare Ko! of IBS channel 13. (Ever
heard of that?)

Alma Moreno, in her show introduces Nora Aunor
who comes in late:
Finally, please welcome, the late Nora Aunor.